Category Archives: zodiac

And so that, dear Reader(s), is the New Zodiac by sh and bigjesus. I hope you found it enlightening and/or entertaining on some level at least. We (and when I say “we,” I really mean “I”) now return you to … Continue reading →

10:15 p.m. – 12:14 a.m. You are highly emotional and fanatically, yet bizarrely and creatively spiritual. Things that are of this mundane world do not interest you in their original forms (or you have difficulty comprehending them), so you find … Continue reading →

8:15 p.m. – 10:14 p.m. You are a lifeless, non-human thing that has been granted the blessing of human characteristics! Where before you would have been “content” in your “unconsciousness,” you are now charged with maintaining not only consciousness, but … Continue reading →

6:14 p.m. – 8:14 p.m. You are tenacious, stubborn, scrappy and unbelievably gorgeous. You have a terrible knack for getting yourself, and therefore anyone who cares for you, into unbelievable amounts of trouble. This usually happens simply because you are … Continue reading →

4:15 p.m. – 6:14 p.m. You are calm and thoughtful. You often find yourself surrounded by small children who have a tendency to freak out, and whose eyes and mouths become exceedingly, impossibly large at such times. You clean your … Continue reading →

2:15 p.m. – 4:14 p.m. You are a seething mass of evil, borne out of the Carven Rim and through the Windowless Solids of Five Dimensions. Your irresponsible whisperings about the Nameless Cylinder penetrate into the minds of the willful … Continue reading →

12:15 p.m. – 2:14 p.m. Despite the fact that an all-star team of designers (hand-picked by an all-star team of designer pickers) spent years agonizing over each and every last one of your particular particulars, and despite the fact that … Continue reading →

10:15 a.m. – 12:14 p.m. You are savory and delicious, made out of the most desirable and yummy stuff. That which makes things taste good is reconstituted within you, and amplified—liquefied! You have no detractors; everyone loves you. There is … Continue reading →

8:15 a.m. – 10:14 a.m. Your devotion to your own feces is what makes you efficient. And clean. Clean and efficient.

6:15 a.m. – 8:14 a.m. The extra roll of toilet paper in your bathroom is covered by the skirts of a Southern Belle doll. The needlepoint pillow on your couch shows a kitten hanging from a branch and the caption, … Continue reading →